She is changed...not in large or measurable ways. There has been a subtle shift that really isn't visible, at least from the outside. On the inside, she feels...renewal taking place.
For Lent this year...I gave up something I didn't think I could stay away from. I gave up - worrying.
Which is why I was suffocating from the weight of the worry. I place so many demands on myself...be on top of all things at all times, anticipate the needs of everyone around me and in general be in control. And since these are all impossible tasks that I set before myself...the epic level of worrying about them all was about ready to crush me.
Crush my mind. Obliterate my soul. Gag my heart.
I have a compulsion to be the "good girl" and I'm learning that this is a fear-based illusion. That no one person can be that kind of individual. That in fact, to get to my authentic self, I needed to set aside the worrying.
So..I established for myself what felt like an insurmountable task...to stop worrying. Each time I caught myself obsessing with my usual vigor, I would just...stop. And offer the worry to God.
It wasn't easy at first; in fact it was some of the hardest work I've yet done. God put me thru test after test; it has NOT been an easy 6 weeks of life. Tests around every corner.
God...made me really WORK at this.
I interviewed for a job I wanted so badly I could feel it on my skin. In fact I interviewed with eight different people; each meeting was outstanding. I was on my A-Game - really and truly representing myself, my background and my abilities in the best - and most truthful - light.
In the end, after all that, I didn't get the job. I was one of 2 considered - and I didn't get it.
I was - devastated. I finished my work-day in a fog, went home and cried copious amounts of bitter tears. And promptly started worrying about what I was going to do now.
Trapped in a job I loathe, working at a company I love, committed to a boss who is cold, hard and calculating, with no job opportunities on the horizon. Worry. Worry. Worry.
Then God showed me how fruitless my worrying is - in the most profound way. And thus began the seeds of change.
Each time I felt myself slipping into the old habit of anxious, hand-wringing obssessing over every little detail of something - big or small - I prompted myself to stop and give it to God. I would literally stop whatever I was doing and say a silent prayer for His help.
He never failed me, not once. A calm would come over me and the worry would - vanish. In it's place would be perspective, perhaps a solution or just the knowledge that all things come in their time.
And so - while I still find myself worrying over this and that - the prompt that was so prevalent at the start of Lent is now just a comfortable habit because I know the calm will come in its wake.
Life continues to beat me up a bit and these days - I just roll with it. Far better than I have in a very long time.
Welcome back to me - and my better self.