We are alive. Still in a fog of strong meds but - alive nonetheless.
The last fever left us mid-day on Thursday. Which now leaves us feeling worn out and beat up.
For the very first time in my adult life I actually went to the doctor within 24 hours of getting sick. I usually wait 3-4 days to see what I've got; for some reason I like to torture myself with how much I can stand before I cave.
I know - it's very negative behavior towards myself and is part of the larger problem of my self-hatred. Which we are getting better at dealing with.
Witness me - making an urgent doc appointment less than 24 hours after I started to feel sick; indeed less than 12 hours after my first fever. And while I did think it was bronchitis and was somewhat unnerved to learn it was the flu I stuck to my position on dealing with the cough. That no matter what was causing it, an asthmatic with the kind of bronchial cough I've had - is very bad news.
Which the doctor agreed with so put me on a lovely cough syrup with codeine; so yes, thank you, I've been sleeping...alot.
But he also suggested TamiFlu as a way to reduce the severity of symptoms and possibly cut the illness short by a couple of days. I've never been able to take it before since I usually wait so long to see the doctor; TamiFlu needs to be administered within 48 hours of your first symptoms - and I'm usually way beyond that.
Believe me - it does work. In fact it's quite amazing; I went from every pore in my body aching to no aches at all. I went from expecting 2-3 more days of punishing fevers to 1 1/2 days of mild fevers. The cough meds are controlling what would normally be a debilitating, rib-cracking experience and in general - just 3 1/2 days since getting sick with the dreaded flu - I feel shaky, tired and worn out but I no longer feel sick.
For anyone with lung problems, recovering from the flu is like walking a tightrope; one wrong move or slight deviation from a plan and you'll tumbling down into hospitalization and facing weeks of recovery.
Of course I also implemented my "asthma sickness protocol" which sees me switch from my daily meds to others that are far more intense and robust. I am grateful to have all these plans I can put into play on my own and then make the decisions I need to make.
It took 15 years to get to that point; and now I'm finally taking better care of myself overall.
In fact, as we approached the Lenten Season (which we formally entered this past Wednesday and which The Oracle and I, literally, slept thru) I did quite a bit of praying and meditating on what I was going to "give up" for Lent. It is the big annual question for many Christians and most especially Catholics. Since we are observing Christ's 40-days in the desert it is assumed we will give up something; to fast from something we enjoy. Most people do the obvious and give up sweets, or alcohol or some other food items. I've done that for the past 3 years and while it's a dailly reminder of the sacrifice Our Savior was preparing to make for us - I haven't found that the experience stayed with me beyond Easter.
So this year I wanted to make my Lenten Fast more meaningful to me in a quieter way. There is something about saying "I gave up chocolate for Lent" that always sounded a little - ego-centric to me. So this year I decided to do two things for Lent.
One is to work diligently at giving up on worrying. The Oracle says I'm a championship worrier and that I need to be a Warrior instead. And you know what - he's right. I worry about everything; for me it's a 24/7 occupation that takes up far too much of my time and energy.
I worry about things I can control, things I can't and just about all things in between. I worry about events that are taking place in 5 minutes and in 5 months. It is - exhausting.
So I'm praying and working on stopping the worry-train from running me over all day, every day. Some things do need to be worried about - and those will get the proper attention at the appropriate time. But beyond that - I am trying very hard to just let go.
The other thing I'm working on doing is being kinder to myself. Since my self-hatred and self-negativity is almost a daily banquet I'm reasoning that giving it up is a fast, of a kind. But in reverse - I am praying to gorge myself on self-love rather than self-hate.
Acting on my recent illness so quickly and taking such great care of myself has been my first adventure into treating myself like I treat others - with respect, dignity and a sense of urgency.
And I must confess...it felt really good.