Daily Meditations

Months ago I signed up for Daily Meditations written by a Catholic Priest who is more mystic than priest.  Richard Rohr is a brilliant writer about the human condition; not always wrapped in religious or even Catholic terms but rather in the context of our world today and the stresses it places on each of us.

Basically, he writes quite a bit about getting out of our own way.

I have tried reading his books and I find them, at least for now, to be beyond my ability to take in.  Being that my faith is, in essence, in the basement of its development I needed to start with more basics. And that was fine however I did want to get these Daily Meditations.

They don't always resonate with me; in fact sometimes even they are beyond me, short as they are.

This week's have been different.  More philosophical, more ... personal.

All this striving and this need to perform, climb, and achieve becomes, on some very real level, unnecessary. It’s already here, now. I can stop all this overproduction and over-proving of myself. That’s Western and American culture. It’s not the Gospel at all.

We’ve all imbibed the culture of unrest so deeply. We just cannot believe that we could be respected or admired or received or loved without some level of performance. We are all performers and overachievers, and we think “when we do that” we will finally be lovable. Once you ride on the performance principle, you don’t even allow yourself to achieve it. Even when you “achieve” a good day of “performing,” it will never be enough, because it is inherently self-advancing and therefore self-defeating. You might call it “spiritual capitalism.”

Emphasis mine.

Those 2 sentences really cried out to me as they are ... me.  And I think this is part of the creative drought I've been experiencing. 

Suldog, and others in my life recently, mentioned the other day that when he hits a creative rough patch:

I like to think that when the mojo for one thing has left me for a while, it is God telling me to concentrate on something else of more importance in the current timeframe.

Someone else, from my distant past yet clearly still in my somewhat present, said:

Ya know, get back to where you once belonged!

In these 2 statements I heard so much more than the writers likely intended or even considered - that perhaps I've lost my way in who I am.  Perhaps I am trying to fill my life with too much achievement - be the best photographer I can be, make ground-breaking jewelry, be a perfect concert pianist, over-achieve in my corporate america job, become an integral part of my new faith and parish, constantly be there for family & friends and whatever their needs are.  Oh yes and let's add in all the ideas that constantly float, flutter and fly inside my addled mind - thoughts of taking up artistic painting, household improvements, decorating ideas, cooking, baking.  And we can also include my constant self-flaggelation over the very minutiae of my life.

I am exhausted just reading all that and it's only a partial list of the demands for perfection that I place on myself.  And in all that I don't really see where I belong, not fully anyway.  I have lost my way a bit.

In fact, I'm a big ole mess.  Which has apparently been abundantly clear to everyone around me - except me.

I mentioned all this to The Oracle last night and he nodded sagely and said "yes honey, you have lost your way".  I thought I was introducing something novel for consideration.

Turns out I've been blind to myself for a long time now.

While I've been trying to fill my life with all the above - and more - I've forgotten that I have a life to live.  I've been at the trough of "the culture of unrest" for a very long time apparently and I need an intervention.

Do they have Creative Persons Anonymous?

Comments

[Buck]

Well, Rohr had my attention until this: You might call it “spiritual capitalism.”

Totally unnecessary and condescending.

I'm still of the opinion that we know ourselves best, even if there are blind spots in that knowing. And I see nothing wrong in striving to be the best you can be, speaking as a recovering Type A sort. I WILL acknowledge that one can bite off more than one can chew, the trick is in knowing how close to that line you can walk without falling over the edge. Right?

[Kris]

You know Buck, I thought of dropping that off - it bothered me too. Decided to leave it up there in the interests of fair and full disclosure. And I believe I have been so unknowing about myself, so blind, that I have indeed walked off the edge. The good thing is I look like Wile E. Coyote - realizing it before I fall and working my entire body to get back to the edge again. And I will get there.

Just have to put down a few things first.