Journal

Three

2012-02-23T12:42:02Z

I woke up today with the lingering after-effects of this nasty head cold. I ended up staying home again yesterday because I developed a cough that could have woken the dead. My ribs are quite sore this morning from all the hacking.

Yet nothing will dampen my spirits today. For today marks the third birthday of my right hip! Last year for its second birthday I said this:

Even now, 2 years later, I still discover new strengths, new range of motion - you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

I'm not. Each time it's as if I'm taking my first steps post-op all over again.

The amazement continues at the same level it did back then

Ditto for the third year. I continue to be stunned at what I'm able to do, at my stamina for walking and in general the miracle that is modern medicine today.

I'm not sure I will ever get used to this feeling of being able to walk without pain, to freely pursue activities that were off-limits for so many years.

This was by far the most frightening thing I've had to face yet. One of the most major orthopedic surgeries at the very young age of 45. Not unheardof yet certainly - rare. And with no other options I had to just face down my fear and try to focus on the pain-free life on the other side.

Not easy. I well recall three years ago at this moment; checking into the hospital, navigating our way thru the maze of hallways as we followed the nurse to my pre-op room. The examination, hospital clothing and my first taste of semi-sedation.

That part - I liked. Very much. They chilled me ever-so-slightly, taking away much of my anxiety and allowing me to at least try to relax.

That ended as soon as they wheeled me to the O.R. I still have very vivid images of that ride from the relative warmth of the pre-op waiting area to the chill of the operating theater. From the warm green walls to the cold white tile. From the standard hospital lighting to the cool blue of the overhead operating lamps.

I stiffened - visibly. I was terrified. One of the O.R. nurses took one look at me and announced that they had to give me something to relax as they couldn't put me under in such a state. A shot of something quite lovely and I don't remember anything after that.

Waking up some 5 hours later in my private hospital room - with The Oracle right by my side saying the first words I would hear post-op: Honey, you did it.

Surgery was quite complicated from what I've been told. Severe arthritis, atrophied & constricted muscles made the surgery take twice as long as it should have. Those issues did complicate my recovery somewhat in that I had to work at P.T. twice as hard as the average to rebuild muscles that had been left unused or abused for so very long.

And it was all - totally worth it.

I treasure every single memory of that experience - from check-in at the hospital to my final discharge from physical therapy. Each moment brought me closer to the pain-free life that so many people take for granted.

After nearly 20 years of suffering, the last 5 in excruciating pain all day, everyday - I will never take my pain-free steps for granted. I will always be grateful to those first people who had the courage to let surgeons replace their body parts. They paved the way for what I experienced and their tenacity and willingness to allow experimentation with no guarantee of success leaves me humbled.

Happy Birthday to my right hip! It remains the singlest greatest gift I have given myself.

Advantages

2012-02-20T22:07:20Z

When you are home sick you have to seek out the positives in the situation.

It's not the flu, it's a head cold.
Laying around all day (even if I feel like shit).
No need to put on make-up.
Filling my days with endless chick-flicks.

I am grateful that it's only a cold. I still have to pay special attention to the medications I take to ensure it doesn't turn into something else and I caught this one ... very early. I stayed home today to give myself one more day of rest and it was the right decision.

It made for a very un-fun weekend for The Oracle. But even he made the most of it - grocery shopping, cooking healthy meals to make me feel better. He's a very good man.

And I totally indulged in a little girly movie time. Sex and the City. Gosford Park. As well as a complete day today of Jane Austen.

*sigh*

Sense and Sensibility. Persuasion. Pride and Prejudice.

Mr. Darcy... sigh

If I had to be sick and had to be down-and-out for 3 days ... it wasn't a bad way to go.

The Weekly Muse

2012-02-18T14:33:30Z

The muse is ... congested and feeling pretty lousy. Day 2 of the nasty cold that has been going around. Given that a routine head cold can - and frequently does - turn into something much more serious for someone like me with the asthma I have, I am taking all necessary precautions ... quickly.

Keeping myself quiet and mellow of course includes the music I am drawn to. Soothing melodies, soft notes buried in a tune of sweet delight. Done by the always interesting Pat Metheny.

As for medical intervention that looks like this:

Increase the steroid dose in my twice daily asthma meds
Cough medicine every 4 hours
Mucinex to keep my lungs clear
Hot water with lemon - this is a new homeopathic treatment that worked wonders for me last year when I had the flu. It's simply 1 tsp. of honey and one quarter lemon. Squeeze the juice out of the lemon then leave the rind in the mug. Pour hot water over the rind, releasing the essential oils from the lemon. Stir to dissolve the honey then press the rind firmly with a spoon. Drink as hot as I can stand it and repeat 2-3 times per day. It actually tastes good and it helps open up the respiratory system to keep the dreaded congestion from spreading to my already stressed and scarred lungs.
Fluids until I think I'm going to drown

Oh and rest, lots of rest. Thankfully it was going to be a quiet weekend anyway so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Right now the house is blissfully quiet with just my beloved Mozart to keep me company in my misery.

I torture myself yet again. I am attempting to learn how to play part of this magnificent sonata. If you skip ahead to about 1:12 you'll hear what I'm trying to accomplish. I am at about 1/10 speed and accuracy isn't really there yet. However I am fascinated by the tone of this section of the piece and I am determined to play it and play it well. After that, I may decide my piano work in 2012 will focus on the entire sonata.

Oh yes and while Mozart serenades me inside, this is the external concert:

The always lyrical Cardinal. And here is another of the awakening sounds of spring to come:

Pileated Woodpecker - these birds are quite massive actually; they are the size of a crow. Seeing them flying around the backyard is spectacular.

And speaking of spectacular and I shall indulge in a little personal horn-blowing:

No! That's not me playing however the first 3 minutes are what I sound like, on a good day. I am quite proud of being able to play this piece, even only the portion I have taught myself so far.

Mozart's music is good for the body, soul and mind. Now if they could only put that feeling into a pill the common cold would be a thing of the past.

Commuting Awareness

2012-02-16T19:28:16Z

Each morning The Oracle and I do what most every other working person does - we arise at an ungodly hour, perform our various morning ablutions then climb into a car and make the 30 mile drive to work.

We are very blessed in that we work at the same company so we get to make that long drive together. Sometimes it's done in silence, just enjoying each other's physical presence. Other times we have much to discuss on the way to work or on the way home - or both - sharing thoughts, talking thru issues, venting the day's frustrations on a sympathetic ear.

This morning we were struck silent by what we witnessed, less than a mile from home.

Bobcat!For this beast ran across the road right in front of us. The (what we estimate to be) yearling Bobcat just appeared from the woods on one side, bounded across the street and leapt up the embankment on the other side in 2 steps, disappearing back into the woods. If you blinked - you'd have missed him.

The highway is a mere 10 miles from our house however you'd never know that a major commuting route is quite nearly in our backyard. We live in the middle of the woods and the first 5 miles of that 10 miles is dense forest, streams and small rivers.

As a result our early morning commute is usually a watchful one. We have seen herds of deer and turkeys as well as the random coyote and fox on several occasions. More than we care to count were the times we nearly hit something that just appeared out of nowhere.

We know there are Bobcat in the area - we've seen them over the stonewall in the woods behind our house. And quite memorably several years ago there was an article in the local newspaper about some people who saw one by the side of the road very late on a Friday night; it had been hit and was clearly in dire straits. So what did they do? Picked it up, snapped a picture for their scrapbook (and ultimately the local paper) and put it in the backseat of their car.

I know - not big on brains, those people. They did try to get it to the nearby 24- hour emergency vet's office unfortunately the poor thing died before they actually got there.

Anyway, we've never seen one closer than the back of our one acre property. Until today.

Sleek, extremely fast and very beautiful. We didn't need our coffee's this morning to truly - wake up.

Unplug

2012-02-15T16:30:21Z

It's what I'm hearing more and more from friends these days - unplug from cable/satellite TV. It's been mentioned on various news sites for weeks now, including today at Big Hollywood (a Breitbart service).

This appalling reality where neither your local cable company or the two primary satellite providers allow you to purchase only what you want to watch is an unspoken monopoly. Most of us are paying obnoxiously high bills for only a few channels.

Cable television is really one of the last legal monopolies. You can't order your service ala carte; even basic cable is costly and delivers programming you just don't want.

We pay an exorbitant amount of money every month for cable television - approx. $175 every single month, sometimes more - and we watch ... about 3 channels out of roughly 300. 1% of the offerings at 100% of the price.

And let's face it - nearly 100% of what comes out of Hollyweird these days is trash - or worse. Most of what is on cable is the dreaded reality-TV which bears as much resemblance to reality as the legendary unicorn.

After much discussion The Oracle and I have decided to drop our cable company's bundled service and reduce it down to cable internet only. Cable TV and our house land-line will be a thing of the past, hopefully in the next 30 days. And with carrier options these days, we will transfer our home phone #, which we've had for nearly 25 years, to one of our cell phones.

With today's technology being what it is, this won't really be that painful. Our new TV came fully ready for WiFi with full internet access and various streaming apps pre-installed - Amazon, Vudu and Hulu to be exact.

All we have to do is - unplug the cable box and we will be sailing on our own. We figure by dropping 2 of the 3 services we are currently paying for, we will likely save around $145 - per month. That's $1,700+ per year!

Sure we'll pick up other fees for Vudu and Hulu. Vudu is pay per movie at about $4.99 per rental for HD quality. We rent about 3 movies per month from that service which amounts to about $180 per year. Hulu will be new - if we want to watch any television - and that runs month to month with an annual cost of $96 if you use it every month. Total additional outlay there will be, at the most, about $280 per year.

We also use Amazon streaming with our Amazon Prime membership. While there is a cost to the membership it's something we use in other areas of our life so we don't really count that as a cost to watch TV and movies. Plus Amazon streaming offers a crazy amount of movies and TV - for free as part of the Prime membership.

We've been using that for months now to watch the original Star Trek series, a favorite Brit-comedy called Keeping Up Appearances as well as older movies that we haven't seen in ages. All for free.

And it's all still a far cry from the $1,700 we are spending now and we aren't seeing much that we like.

With all the options out there for movies, TV, sports, nature shows and just about anything else you can think of there is no reason for us to waste 99% of our money on crap we will never watch.

We won't live fully off the grid, but we will turn that $1,700 into something far more meaningful.

Valentine's Day Isn't Strictly For Lovers

2012-02-14T13:29:10Z

Valentine's Day. The 2nd busiest day of the year for sending and receiving greeting cards (Christmas is first).

Which is fitting - God showed his love for humanity by giving us his Son. And we show our love for family and friends on this day each year. Hopefully we don't restrict that show of affection to just one day per year. :-)

The origins of Valentine's Day are not well-documented or even agreed-upon. St. Valentine refers to several martyrs throughout the ages. According to Wikipedia it is not 100% certain which Valentine this day is in honor of.

The most logical person is a Priest in Rome in the 3rd century. Valentine went about Rome preaching - love. Specifically he was marrying Christian couples, in secret. Given that Christians were still being persecuted during the 3rd century, Fr. Valentine took grave risks each time he performed a marriage ceremony.

Eventually Fr. Valentine was caught; he was imprisoned and then beaten, stoned and beheaded. Legend says that while in prison he continued to preach the beauty of love - converting many in the prison before he was killed.

Despite the fact that the origins of this days' celebration are not fully known - I like the idea that the day may well have been inspired by someone like Fr. Valentine - preaching love at great peril to himself.

Love - in all its forms - is probably the most powerful emotion there is. Valentine's Day isn't just for romantic love; I truly believe it is a day to acknowledge all the varieties of love in your life.

On this day I wish all the people I love the happiest of days. I love you when it's not St. Valentine's Day; I love you when you don't love yourself. I love you when I don't love myself.

I love you with my whole heart - no matter who you are in my life. Family, friend, cyber-friend. All of you are important to me; you make my life whole. Your love strengthens me and lifts me up in dark times. Secure in the knowledge that I am loved, I have the courage to face whatever comes my way.

Love is strength. Love is safety. Love is unconditional.

Love is ... a blessing that continues to give even when you aren't looking.

Ed Note: this is a partial repeat of my Valentine's Day post last year; edited slightly to reflect my feelings this year. Honestly, I liked what I wrote last year and hey - who needs to re-invent the wheel all the time?

The Weekly Muse

2012-02-11T15:37:22Z

Today's muse is ... short.

It snowed overnight - this storm was predicted to drop about 4 inches. It left less than a dusting so far with about an inch overall expected. We are thankful that, at least up to now, this winter New England has dodged the nightmare we had last year.

However, just for today, The Oracle and I are pretending we are snowed in by a fierce blizzard.

Just because we can. At least it is cold and windy giving some semblance of reality to the illusion.

The soundtrack for the day is mellow and peaceful. We shall shortly retire to the living room where a roaring fire awaits us. I'll make a second cup of coffee for us and we'll sit quietly and just ... be.

After a couple of ass-kicking weeks we need this downtime. And if we have to pretend the weather is raging outside to do it ... we are OK with that.

And because this is our life we are talking about here the peacefulness won't last all day. We head to a special Mass for our priest at 5:00pm today. It's a bit complicated however we are yoking 2 parishes together due to the retirement of a priest. Our priest - the rock star aka Fr. Michael - will be the one pastor for both. In 2 weeks the schedules of both churches will be combined and split between them. It's going to be an - interesting - time as the 2 parishes get to know each other and adapt to all the changes. Given some pretty fundamental differences between the 2 churches it's going to be a fascinating study in human adaptation.

Later on tonite we head to our beloved Hartford Stage for some live theater. It will be a late night and we can hardly complain given the relaxing day we will indulge ourselves in beforehand.

I never did talk about the Chris Botti concert last weekend. It was spectacular; he really outdid himself with this one. And true to form he did have 2 special guests.

No - not Sting.

Lisa Fisher - she won a Grammy in the early 90s and then went on to be the back-up singer for The Rolling Stones for the next 17 years. She is known as the best session vocalist in the business.

I had a hard time finding a decent video of Ms. Fisher singing with Chris Botti; what I grabbed here is all I could get that captures the essence of her energy and style. This was a tremendous experience live; I don't think a recording could ever truly showcase that adequately.

Daily Meditation

2012-02-09T12:56:33Z

Richard Rohr has done it again; popped up with words quite profound and timely to yet another personal situation. To refresh you, back in November of last year I shared with you another one of his Daily Meditations on the subject of self-respect and self-awareness. That particular Meditation hit me squarely in the face like a 2x4 and has helped guide me to a calmer state of mind.

Well - today's Daily Meditation from Fr. Rohr once again gets right to the heart of a particular situation that has been unfolding for the past several days:

Beginner’s mind is a posture of eagerness, of spiritual hunger. The beginner’s mind knows it needs something, just as children do. This is a rare feeling in today’s treacherously seductive culture. Because we are offered so many things that are immediately satisfying (albeit in a superficial way), it is hard to remain spiritually hungry. We give answers too quickly, take away pain too easily, and too commonly stimulate ourselves with nonsense. In terms of soul work, we dare not get rid of pain before we have learned what it has to teach us. Much that we call entertainment, vacations, or recreation are merely diversionary tactics, and they do not “re-create” us at all. The word vacation is from the same root as vacuum, and means to “empty out,” not to fill up. One wonders how many people actually have such vacations!

We must be taught HOW to stay with the pain of life, without answers, without conclusions, and some days without meaning. That is the path, the perilous dark path of true prayer. It is how contemplative prayer differs from the mere recitation of prayers (which can actually be another diversionary tactic instead of any kind of self-emptying). [bolded emphasis mine]

A friend of nearly 25 years has decided that I am capable of truly heinous behavior that is so far out of character for me that I wonder what is going on inside his head. And it's all because he eavesdropped on a conversation that actually had nothing to do with him at all. He made a decision about me based on his own opinion and not based in reality. A decision that, in fact, he had no business making because he stuck his nose in where it didn't belong.

He has decided to throw away a very long friendship because for some perverse, twisted reason that escapes all logic ... he believes he is right - when in his heart he has to know he is wrong. Else I've been deluded about this friendship for a very long time.

His recent statements have hurt me deeply, far more than I'm willing to admit. And yet perhaps I should admit the pain, at least within myself, so I can navigate my way thru it to that place of "true prayer".

I don't think Fr. Rohr is counseling people to dwell on and wallow in their pain. Rather that we stop trying to force ourselves to get over it and rather let prayerfulness and God guide us thru it at whatever pace is required for us to recover and learn from the pain and experience.

Easy to say - ten times harder to actually do. And I'm willing to try because for the past few days I have been driving myself to distraction trying to find reason in what this person has said and done.

Learning Curve

2012-02-06T21:31:34Z

During an interview that aired Monday on NBC's "Today" show, President Obama said that he gets "better as time goes on" at his job... [source]

In my world - the real working world - I would never ben allowed to take 3+ years to get better at my job I'd have been fired about 18 months in.

Well, it turns out our Founders designed a system that makes it more difficult to bring about change than I would like sometimes. [quote from President Obama, same interview as above]

In my world - the real working world - if I had blamed my company's founders on my failures in my job I'd have been fired pretty quickly.

I particularly like the idea that Obama is just figuring out how our system of government works.

Putz.

This country no longer has time to allow Obama a learning curve. He was woefully under-qualified for the job of President back in 2008 and I have news for our president - he's no more qualified today than he was then.

November 2012 is coming for you President Obama and I for one will be most happy to send you into a prosperous retirement - it will be cheaper than having you in the Oval Office for another 4 years.

The Weekly Muse

2012-02-04T15:08:08Z

Wow.

I can't believe I survived this past week.

Wow.

What a fucking odyssey this week has been. And not in a good way. Not. At. All. I feel used, abused, kicked about and generally physically so exhausted there needs to be a new word made up for the feeling.

Work was a bitch and thensome. Craziness abounds and while it's not that unusual the past several weeks have taken it to new heights. Insanity rules the day and it doesn't look like it's going to let go for quite some time.

I've been fighting with an unethical jewelry store in Florida over a purchase I made on vacation. They have failed to deliver what they promised and are now refusing to refund me the money I paid them nearly 3 weeks ago. It's a long, tedious story that I won't bore you with here; suffice it to say I believe the owner of Bernie's & Sons in St. Petersburg, Florida thinks I am a stupid female, incapable of dealing with arrogant assholes such as himself.

He is wrong and it's going to be a painful lesson for him to learn. In fact there will be several lessons for Bob in the coming weeks. One of them will be delivered to him today in the form of a chargeback from my credit card company for the full amount I paid them, for failure to deliver goods as promised. Another lesson will come from the Better Business Bureau and the Consumer Protection Agency, both in St. Petersburg, in the form of complaints about his unethical business practices. The next will be online reviews about his store. The next will come if he tries to fight me at all on refunding me my money. And around we will go.

Bob at Bernie's & Sons picked the wrong week to fuck with me.

And on top of all this, I feel like shit. I have felt like I'm coming down with something all week - and that's as far as it's gotten. I'm not complaining about that, per se, except that it's been like this for 6 days now and it's exhausting. There are several viruses going around right now however all of them hit like a freight train and you go from feeling fine to feeling miserable in just a few hours. So whatever it is I have, isn't that. I think I know what it is and I'll leave you with one word - hormones.

Because I'm just that lucky.

Anyway! We are on to the weekend and thankfully there is something here that will bring me great joy and hopefully settle my frazzled nerves. In just a few hours The Oracle and I will head to Hartford to hear one of our favorite musicians. The incomparable Chris Botti.

This will be our fifth time seeing the great man in concert and he never disappoints. It is a laid-back show, filled with gorgeous music by amazing musicians. For Botti always surrounds himself with talent so deep that when he inevitably leaves the stage to give over to the other musicians in his band - you aren't disappointed.

It is one of the things we love the most about seeing Botti live; that he freely gives the stage over to his band to showcase their talents. He celebrates them rather than hogging the spotlight.

And Botti is also famous for bringing out surprise guests. What are the chances that this will happen today, do you think.

Or this?

Hey - a girl can dream. And after this past week, I deserve it!